I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
