he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
