i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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