Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
