I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
