I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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