who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He shit in the fireplace
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
