I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize