The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
