Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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