Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize