she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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