her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
