rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
