chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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