I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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