Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
