Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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