Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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