Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
There r osticjed everywhere
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
How naked do you want me to be?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
