I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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