He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
