Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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