You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
