He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize