I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
