apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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