my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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