You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
