just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize