Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
