you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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