i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
