zippers are such a cool invention
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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