Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
