my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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