she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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