I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
