I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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