Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
