Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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