how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
