he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
