i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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