cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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