Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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