Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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