I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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