Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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