Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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