you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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