Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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