She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
