I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
