Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
