There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
