I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Brb crying the tears of my youth
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
